Talking to Children About Their Learning Differences
You've just received your child's psychoeducational evaluation results, and now comes what might feel like an even bigger challenge: talking to your child about what you've learned. You know this conversation matters, but finding the right words can feel overwhelming. How much should you share? What if they feel labeled or limited? What if they don't understand?
Take a deep breath. This conversation isn't about delivering difficult news. It's about helping your child understand themselves better, and that understanding can be deeply empowering. When approached thoughtfully, talking to children about their learning differences opens the door to self-awareness, self-acceptance, and the ability to advocate for what they need.
Timing: When to Have the Conversation
Many parents ask, "When is the right time?" The truth is, there's rarely a perfect moment, but there are good guidelines to follow. Generally, earlier is better than waiting. Children are remarkably perceptive. If they're struggling with reading while their classmates breeze through chapter books, or if they're getting frequent reminders to focus while others seem to stay on task effortlessly, they've likely already noticed something feels different.
When children hear about their learning differences from teachers, peers, or even overhear adult conversations before you've talked with them directly, they often fill in the gaps with their own interpretations, which may be more negative than reality. By initiating the conversation yourself, you get to frame the information in accurate, supportive language from the start.
Signs your child might be ready for this conversation include asking questions like "Why is this so hard for me?" or "Am I stupid?" They might also express frustration about school, avoid certain tasks, or seem aware that they're receiving different support than their peers.
Age-Appropriate Language and Concepts
The way you explain learning differences should evolve with your child's developmental stage. Here's how to tailor your conversation to their age:
Early Elementary (Ages 5-8)
Keep explanations simple and concrete, focusing on their specific experiences rather than abstract concepts. You might say something like, "Everyone's brain works a little differently, kind of like how some people have brown eyes and some have blue eyes. Your brain is really good at building things and solving puzzles, and it learns to read in its own special way."
Upper Elementary (Ages 9-11)
Children this age can handle more detailed explanations and are ready to learn the specific name of their learning difference. "Remember that evaluation we did? We learned that you have dyslexia. Dyslexia means your brain processes written words differently. It's not about being smart or not smart; actually, many incredibly creative and successful people have dyslexia."
Middle School (Ages 12-14)
Middle schoolers are developing their identity and benefit from understanding how their learning differences fit into who they are. "Now that you understand your learning profile better, you can start explaining to your teachers what helps you learn best. For example, you might let them know you need more time to process verbal instructions, or that you'd like to record lectures."
High School (Ages 15+)
High schoolers should be increasingly involved in their own support planning and understanding how their learning differences might impact future educational and career choices. Share the full evaluation results if they're interested, and discuss accommodations they'll need to request in college or other post-secondary settings.
No matter your child's age, meet them where they are developmentally and remember that understanding deepens over time.
Using Neurodiversity-Affirming Language
The words we choose when discussing learning differences matter deeply. They shape how children understand themselves and their potential. At Mind Matters, we approach these conversations through a neurodiversity-affirming lens, which means we celebrate the natural variation in how human brains work rather than framing differences as deficits.
Instead of saying "You have a disorder" or "There's something wrong with how you learn," try "Your brain works differently, and that comes with both challenges and strengths." Replace "You can't focus" with "Your brain notices lots of things at once, which makes it harder to tune out distractions but also means you might notice details others miss."
Focus on what your child can do and the strategies that help, rather than dwelling on what's difficult. "You're a creative problem-solver who thinks outside the box" is more empowering than "You struggle with following directions." Both might describe the same child, but one opens possibilities while the other closes them.
Share examples of successful people who share their learning profile. Many children feel less alone when they learn that entrepreneurs, artists, scientists, and athletes they admire also have dyslexia, ADHD, or autism. This isn't about diminishing their challenges, but about showing that different brains have always contributed to society in meaningful ways.
Creating a Safe Space for the Conversation
Where and how you have this conversation sets the tone. Choose a time when you're not rushed and a setting where your child feels comfortable. This might be during a car ride, on a walk, or sitting together at home. Some children process information better when they can keep their hands busy with a quiet activity.
Be prepared for a range of emotional responses. Some children feel relieved to finally have an explanation for their struggles. Others might feel sad, angry, or worried. All these reactions are valid. Your job isn't to talk them out of their feelings but to acknowledge them: "It makes sense that you're feeling frustrated. This is big information, and it's okay to have lots of different feelings about it."
Make it clear this isn't a one-time conversation. End by saying something like, "We can talk about this whenever you want. If you think of questions later, or if something doesn't make sense, you can always come to me." Some children need time to digest information before they're ready to discuss it further.
What to Include in Your Explanation
Structure your conversation around a few key points. Start with their specific learning profile using language from the evaluation. "The testing showed that your brain is really strong at understanding how things work and solving visual puzzles. It also showed that your brain processes written words more slowly, which is why reading takes more effort for you than it does for some other kids."
Explain why certain tasks feel harder for them, connecting it to specific challenges they've experienced. "Remember how you told me reading feels like the letters are dancing around? That's a real thing that happens with dyslexia. It's not that you're not trying hard enough; your brain genuinely sees the text differently."
Be sure to highlight their strengths and interests. Every evaluation identifies areas of ability, and these deserve equal attention. "You have an incredible memory for stories you've heard, and you can explain complex ideas in ways that make sense to others. These are real strengths that will help you in so many ways."
Give concrete examples from their daily life so the information feels relevant and practical. Instead of abstract descriptions, talk about actual situations they've encountered.
Finally, explain what support looks like. Describe the specific accommodations and interventions they'll receive and why these aren't "cheating" but rather tools that help their brain access information in the way that works best for them.
Common Questions Children Ask (and How to Answer Them)
Children often ask similar questions when learning about their differences, and being prepared for these can help you respond thoughtfully:
1. "Does this mean I'm not smart?"
Answer clearly and emphatically: "Absolutely not. Intelligence isn't about how fast you read or how still you can sit. This learning difference affects how you process certain information and how you learn best, but once your brain has the information it needs, your brain uses the information in many smart and creative ways."
2. "Will I always have this?"
Be honest while offering realistic hope: "Yes, this is how your brain works, and that won't change. But what does change is how well you understand yourself and what strategies work for you. Many adults with dyslexia or ADHD are very successful because they've learned what tools and approaches work best for them."
3. "Do other kids have this too?"
Sharing that learning differences are common can reduce feelings of isolation: "Yes! About one in five people learns differently. In your school, there are probably kids in every classroom who have learning differences, even if you don't know about them."
4. "Can I tell my friends?"
Empower them with choice and autonomy: "That's completely up to you. Some people like to tell their close friends because it helps them understand, while others prefer to keep it private. You get to decide who knows and who doesn't."
These questions reflect your child's natural need to understand where they fit in the world, and your honest, supportive answers help build their confidence.
Building Self-Advocacy Skills
Understanding their learning differences is just the first step. The ultimate goal is helping children learn to advocate for themselves. Self-advocacy is a skill that takes practice, and parent guidance consultations can help you support this development.
Start by teaching them to recognize when they need help and to ask for it clearly. Role-play scenarios: "If you're in class and the teacher is talking too fast, what could you say?" Practice together until it feels more comfortable.
Help them develop a simple explanation of their learning profile they can share when needed. For older children, this might sound like: "I have dyslexia, which means I'm a slow reader. It helps me if I can listen to audiobooks or have extra time on reading assignments."
Connect these skills to the specific recommendations in their evaluation report. If the evaluation suggests using text-to-speech software, make sure your child knows how to request access to this tool and can explain why it helps them.
What to Avoid in These Conversations
While we've covered what to include, it's equally important to know what to avoid. Don't compare your child to siblings or peers: "Your sister learned to read easily, but everyone's different." Comparisons create shame rather than understanding.
Avoid making promises you can't keep. Don't say "With enough practice, this won't be hard anymore" if the challenge is neurologically based. Instead, offer realistic hope: "With the right strategies and support, you can find ways to work with your brain that feel much better."
Don't overwhelm them with too much information at once. You can always build on the conversation over time. Gauge their interest and attention span and stop before they tune out.
Finally, never use information about their learning differences as a motivational tool or punishment. Statements like "You have ADHD, so you need to try harder to focus" are harmful and counterproductive. Their learning differences aren't character flaws to overcome through sheer willpower.
An Ongoing Conversation
Understanding one's learning profile isn't a one-time revelation but an evolving awareness that deepens over time. Stay curious about your child's experience and open to continued dialogue. If your child seems to be struggling significantly with accepting their learning differences, consider reaching out for professional support through child and teen feedback sessions.
By having these conversations openly and thoughtfully, you're giving your child something invaluable: the knowledge and language to understand themselves. This self-awareness becomes the foundation for self-advocacy, resilience, and ultimately, success on their own terms.
If you're preparing to talk with your child about an upcoming evaluation or recently received results and want guidance, we're here to help. Contact our team to learn more about how we can support both you and your child through this process.
At Mind Matters, we believe every child deserves to be understood. If you have questions about your child's learning, attention, or development, we're here to help. Contact our Client Care Coordinator at 415-598-8378 or info@sfmindmatters.com to learn more about how we can support your family's journey.
